TO BUILD BETTER RELATIONSHIPS, ADDRESS EMOTIONAL HUNGER

The Quality of Every Relationship Depends on
Attending Well to
These Emotional Needs

by Pamela Levin
Teaching & Supervising Transactional Analyst Emeritus

Relationships are the very heart  of our lives, and even though our very health and well-being depends on them working well, we often overlook a fundamental truth about them that has everything to do with how well they succeed and whether or not they fail.

That truth is that  emotional hungers - often hidden ones - drive the actions of the people involved. And when the parties in a relationship make choices based on these emotional needs to which they remain oblivious - well, the predicted outcome can is likely to become a first class mess!

Words like accusations, recriminations, arguments, stony silences, frozen feelings, illicit affairs come to mind. Not what anybody would consciously choose if they thought about it.

So, what's the alternative? Is there a better way? Yes, indeed. It's a simple, step-by-step process:

1. First, accept that having emotional hungers is normal. Everyone has them. This means there's no need to freak out or create any drama or emergency about them. You won't die if you admit to having yours.

2. Allow yourself to gradually become aware of what these emotional hungers are that have been driving your behavior without you realizing it. At this stage, just   admit them to yourself.   Don't communicate them yet to anyone else, as you don't know how they might react. 

3. Then, take responsibility for them - in other words, own, rather than disowning or pushing them away: 
          
                   "These are my emotional hungers and therefore it is up to me
                           to find safe and effective ways to take care of them."

4. Commit yourself to the ongoing process of keeping yourself emotionally well-nourished. The benefit of keeping yourself in a state of positive emotional sustenance cannot be over-emphasized.

One benefit is feeling good in yourself.  You feel your core self developing, your individuality blooming in a positive way.

Another is that you're changing for the better the internal, environmental signals that elicit the behavior of your cells - and therefore you will produce better physical health.

Yet perhaps the area where the positive effect is most profound is in your social relationships.

Remove the stress from trying to get something you need from the other person without you - or they - knowing what that is, and your relationships automatically improve.

That's because you're no longer relating from an emotionally needy place.  Then, too, as your state of emotional nourishment improves, you become full enough to offer emotional nourishment in your relationships.  In short, you just can't lose!

If you feel stuck about how you might take care of your emotional hungers - if you feel like you don't have a clue, or if you have some clues but would like to be reminded, don't worry.  You don't have to go bacl to school, or even to some group, seminar or workshop.

You can sample three core emotional nutrients - messages that feed key aspects of your core emotional self -  go to http://www.youremotionalnutrients.com  and click on the sample.

You'll find a key emotional nutrient  that nourishes your core self, another that feeds your independent self and supports your making healthy boundaries, and a third that nurtures your skillfulness.  You can listen as many times as you want, and they're free.

The bottom line is that you always have those as an option - even if you wake up emotionally hungry at 2 in the morning!

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